I know I rarely post but I took this quiz on okcupid and this is the result I got. It's sort of weird.

The Playstation Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSM) Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation. You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you. You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down. In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner. Your exact female opposite: The Priss Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer Always avoid: The Mixed Messenger (DBLD) Consider: Anyone else

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - dating services | Dating My profile name: : mysticlily

Right now I am reading the "Left Behind" series by Timothy Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins. I have read the first two books, "Left Behind" and "Tribulation Force" so far. I plan on picking up the next 5-6 books at the library Saturday afternoon.
Without books, and even magazines, I believe my intelligence as a person would not be as high as it is. Books keep us thinking, help us learn, even fiction books. If there is a word in a book I do not know, I look it up. Also, when I was younger, books were my escape from the stress going on in my family life. Today they are still a way for me to destress.
As for books I would recommend, I recommend anything by Laurell K. Hamilton for those into things like vampires, werewolves, and other supernatural things like that. For fantasy lovers I recommend the Legend of Drizzt and other Forgotten Realms books by R.A. Salvatore, and for Protestant or Born-again Christians I recommend the Left Behind series.

So I realize that I don't really talk to people much on here anymore, or blog anymore...so I figured time to post an update on my life...

I moved back in to my old apartment building, and so far its been okay. Its been hard getting use to living on my own again, and the first night I was there I didnt even want to stay because I was all hormonal and stuff because of my stupid period.

Let me tell you, moving while on your period and experiencing cramps so bad all you want to do is crawl into a little ball and hide is not so fun, but I survived. Out of the two weeks I've been in my apartment so far I have either had someone over or been gone like 5 nights, make that 6 counting last night. Also, I tend to stay out of my apartment, especially in the evening because that is when my loneliness seems to be at its worst.

There has been some drama in my building, mostly about rules and the fact that some people don't seem to have to follow them, and if they did change then it needs to be posted for everyone to see. I keep meaning to talk to the property manager about this, but then I put it off, I dont know why I keep procrastinating about it. I really hate double standards, like just because its a certain person doesnt mean the rules should be bent for them. They need to be the same for everyone.

In other news, I still don't have a license, and I still need a job. I also have to find somewhere to volunteer 8 hours a month. Monday I am going to go to the library to talk to the volunteer coordinator, maybe I can be a page or something. They usually have high school students do that, but I need something. Otherwise I am going to talk to my sister's school. I probably wont be able to volunteer in her class, but it doesnt matter to me really. I just need to find something, and it has to be within walking distance or something I can take the bus to. Same with any job I apply to. Speaking of the bus though, there won't be any saturday runs soon, which stinks, but hopefully I will get my bike fixed (if only my dad would come over with the air compressor like I've been asking). I can't ride when it starts getting chilly, but I still have like another month and a half that I could potentially ride it. Plus bus fare is rising soon, so that's another issue I'll have to deal with.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and just don't know how to get it all out. I need to get a notebook and start journaling again. Actually, I would like to start writing poetry and maybe some short stories, but it seems like I always have writers block! When I do have ideas they come in short bursts and I never seem to have a pen and paper when I need it.

One of the things that has been on my mind is that fact that while I am lonely, I dont want to just date anyone that comes along. I am really reluctant to date at all right now, till I get things in my life stabilized, and find a job, but I did go out with someone Tuesday and he turned out to be a jerk and didnt want to respect me at all. Just because I've been talking to a guy for 4 months online and he pays for dinner does not mean he gets in my pants. It seriously makes me not want to date at all. I think its why I've been so comfortable with just hanging out with my ex over the last few months. A friend of mine says that he (the ex) is bad for me though, and I need to find someone new. I dont know what to think about that really. I mean, its not like I'll be getting back together with the ex, so yeah, in a way, I do need to find someone new. But when the first date I have in months turns out disasterously it makes me rethink dating, like I said.

Anyway, this seems like its getting long enough, even though I still have tons on my mind, I am gonna wrap this up.

This is one of my favorite Queen songs, I've been listening to it like crazy lately.




Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!
The Show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!

I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on

I know I am living in my parents home rent-free, and that I am not working. I know they deserve time to themselves, and a break from taking care of my sister. But when I am home all week, and only go out on the weekends and they ask me to give up that time to watch my sister for them, I would like a thank you once in a while. Last week, on the 2nd I was gonna hang out with a friend, but my parents started making plans, without even asking me if I had plans...so I canceled what I was going to do, so that they could go out with their friends to the bar, something they rarely do. This past weekend they went to Mesick, Michigan for the Mushroom Festival. This was planned, and they actually asked me to watch my sister, since it was for a couple days.

Now, I love my sister and she is pretty easy to watch and take care of. The only time she can be a hassle is when it comes to meals, but suprisingly yesterday she ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with no problem.

My problem is I dont get so much as a thank you for taking care of my sister. She's not my kid, it's not my job to take care of her. I could be out with friends, or having someone take me around to apply for jobs (that I won't get anyway because I don't have a car or license, but that's a story for another time), but instead I am home, being annoyed by my brother who is grounded.

I just wish the word THANK YOU was in my parents vocabulary. I know today is Mother's Day, and I should be telling her thank you for being the best mom she could be, under the circumstances, and for thank you for letting me move back home AGAIN after screwing up.

I am just so fustrated with this whole situation.

an empty heart and soul rests in me, feeling listless, lifeless, wandering.... nothingness inside my head....thinking of believing in those not worth believing.... words are drugs, and drugs are words, and all lost inside the nothingness is decay....sense what the senseless tell you, lies that are truth, truth into lies....never yours, elusive like the wind of change....

so tired of the lies, tired of deceit, tired of half-truths and cowards, of dreams that seem real but once awake pop into bubbles of nothingness.



I am nothing...yet I am everything, my heart feels, beats with the hurt....



its not over...though the end feels near.

That's what I feel like. Yesterday was going great...so I thought. I made dinner, all by myself, well Luke made the desert, and I thought all in all it was a good day.... Until I went to bed.

I was laying there for like 45 minutes/1 hour, dwelling on things, wishing I was with my family for Christmas and BOOM I start crying my eyes out.

Luke has given up on me it seems. He doesnt think it will work out, even though I've been trying to adjust, trying to do what he wants (sexually), trying to be a good partner...but being alone, without any of my family or friends is hard. Plus I keep thinking about my ex, even though nothing will come of that.

So I feel like I've failed Luke, and that I've failed my family (who wanted me to try harder to stay out here). Most of all, I've failed myself.

Here I am, with a man who wants to marry me and have children with me, but I just can't seem to love him.

I haven't posted this, but in Sept I made the decision to move to Colorado, to be with my boyfriend, soon to be fiance. He is leaving Colorado today and will be here Saturday. I'll be leaving monday or tuesday.

apparently i'm a boyfriend/girlfriend stealer, or attempted bf/gf stealer. two people i know have been jealous of me, not wanting me around their bf or gf. I am not that type of person! It also shows the lack of trust/faith they have in their partner. Ugh. I hate people.

So my church is having this mother/daughter tea on saturday.... I told my mom about it like 2 weeks ago. I brought it up again today, letting her know the rsvp was by tomorrow. Mentioned my sister coming along too.... know what she says? That she never said she would go. I am so upset.... what did I do wrong? She won't be spending Mother's Day with us, instead she's going up north to look for morale mushrooms with my dad and aunt.

Seriously, why is my mom being like this? I started bawling when we got off the phone....

wrote this in the about me section on my myspace recently...decided to post it here...

You think you know me...but you dont...you have no clue... i am lost in the shadows of the past, longing, regretting.... wanting to run away, but wanting to stay, wanting things to change...but stuck in a rut of sorrow.... My heart is bleeding, emotions raw, nothing and everything to hide but my pain is there, ever present, always pressing.... You try to understand, but you cant....no one can...I dont even understand. Broken....shattered, holding on to the past, no matter how painful it is...afraid to move forward, not wanting any new scars....there is no room....the pain is neverending, the sorrow always in the shadows... To know me...is impossible...ever changing, but always staying the same....I am lost inside myself, a perpetual labyrinth of emotions....a fleeting moment of happiness surrounded by a sea of confusion.... The struggles I have are massive, yet insignificant....I am what I am...but I do not know what that is.... How can I begin to explain?

So I decided to share this with everyone here...

Todays truth




"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it
is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the
world" (John 15:19 NIV).



Friend to Friend

Have you ever felt that you were overlooked or ignored…like you were
a nobody? Well, take heart girlfriend. You are not alone.



In the Bible, we read the story of when the prophet Samuel went to
anoint the next king of Israel . By God's instruction, Samuel
traveled to Bethlehem to the house of Jesse. He knew where to go and
what family the king would come from. He knew the next king would
be one of Jesse's sons…he just didn't know which son.



Samuel arrived in Bethlehem and asked Jesse to bring all of his sons
out for his inspection. Jesse brought out each of his seven sons,
one-by-one. As Samuel prayerfully approached each young man, God
said, "No, that is not the one…No, that is not the one…No, that is
not the one." Seven times God refused Jesse's sons. Finally,
exasperated and confused, Samuel asked, "Are these all the sons you
have?"



"Oh yeah, I do have one more son," Jesse said. "I almost forgot all
about him. Little David is out taking care of the sheep. I'll send
someone to get him."



David was so insignificant to his own father, that when the prophet
requested an audience with all of his boys, the dad didn't even think
to invite him. However, he was the very one God had selected to be
the next ruler of His chosen people. How exciting! You may have
felt overlooked, disregarded, and ignored, but God has chosen you!



Ponder these verses…

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe
yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and
patience" (Colossians 3:12 NIV


"In him we were also chosen having been predestined according to the
plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose
of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ,
might be for the praise of his glory" (Ephesians 1:11,12 NIV).


"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is
God who justifies" (Romans 8:33 NIV).



Let's Pray

Dear Father, thank you that I am chosen and dearly loved. While
there have been many times in my life where I was not chosen, I
rejoice that You chose me! Help me to be an encourager to others who
may feel neglected or discarded by those in their world. In Jesus'
Name, Amen.



Now it's Your Turn

When was a time in your life when you felt rejected?


The Bible says that we have a High Priest (Jesus) who has felt all
the pain and suffering just as we have. How was Jesus rejected?


At the same time, how was Jesus chosen by God?

So I havent posted in a while, and everyone else has been posting about christmas, so I decided maybe I would post too.

Things have been alright here...I'm trying to get back into therapy, the nurse at my psychiatrist's office put in an interoffice referal on the 21st. Hopefully one of the ones I saw before will take me...more specifically I hope Vicki will. She's the one who got me into the DBT program...speaking of which I'm wondering if she'll make that a condition of taking me back into therapy. Probably, but that's okay with me.

In other news, I've started going to church again, and singing with the Praise Team. I have two people that will give me rides, so it's nice... We had a great breakfast served by Pastor Kim and Rhonda(his wife). I guess they've done that at every church they've been at.

Christmas was good. I got to see lots of family, and even got to hold my cousin Kami's baby Andrew, who is only 5 weeks old. Unfortunately christmas day my sister wasnt feeling good and right when my Uncle Frank and Aunt Nancy got there she was crying so I took her back into the computer room so she could cry in peace....she didnt really stop so I laid her in her bedroom for a while. She missed out on some really good food, but she wasnt feeling well, so mom didnt want to force her to eat, especially with a house full of people. I felt so bad for her and when she was crying I almost started cryin myself.

As for christmas gifts, wasnt really going to mention it, since its not important, but I did get a dvd player finally.

Well, that's all for now.

oh yeah, I have a cold. blah

this is from Oct 28th, the day of our halloween party in my building. Just thought I would share...

Got a letter from my pen pal today, finally! Stupid mail service....ontario to michigan isn't that far! Anyways, just wanted to say I got it finally. I want more than one penpal, but I can't afford the postage even, it sucks....

anywho, just felt like updating....not really sure what to say....feeling rather blah-ish right now....still don't have a date for my ct scan....well i'm out of here....